So, it’s the week we’ve all been looking forward to, ahem, the day that has our hearts a flutter and our perfect relationships celebrated in all their heart-shaped glory. Yes, of course! it’s Valentine’s Day this week. And, what, pray tell, could a single person possibly enjoy more than a whole day dedicated to reminding them that they are alone, solo, totally and utterly relationship free!
For those of you not so over zealous about the idea of this (surely not!) there is hope. And not just hope, there is a genuine and solid reason why, in actual fact, a day like St Valentine’s, Or VD, as I prefer to call it, (oh, how us singles laughed!) should be celebrated.
A brief list, if you will, of reasons why all singles should enjoy VD.
- You are saving yourself a small fortune in money that, otherwise, would have been spent on over priced flowers, bad set menu dinners and tacky love sonnets inside Hallmark cards. I would imagine this tidy sum amounts to at least, hmm, let’s say, £50. With this nifty saving in mind, why not, instead, treat yourself to a good bottle of expensive wine? a fabulous haircut? 2 lap dances at Stringfellows, some illegal drugs or a quarter of a face worth of Botox? From my experience, all far more satisfactory and memorable investments than petrol station flowers.
- You are not in a shit relationship that suddenly ‘comes good’ once a year. That is to say that, one thing more avoidable than the year round ‘smug marrieds’ are the ‘fucking miserable marrieds’ who pretend to be fine because Hallmark demands it. That same couple that only shag, pissed, on a Saturday night, once a month ... with their eyes closed ... thinking about someone else. Instead you are drinking wine (expensive) and masturbating ... there by, coming as many times as you want without having to think about Craig from accounts. What joy.
- You can totally avoid forced intimacy. I embarrass easily when it comes to public declarations of affection. God knows, I think I would rather have a 12 inch vibrator seized by customs from my hand luggage at the US border than be bought a 5 pound rose by a man in a restaurant. And, please, don't let’s even get started on the ‘romantic’ Kosovan gypsy quartet that plague every outdoor eater within a 3 mile radius of the West end. These “romantic” situations? yep, Ok ... as I say vibrator, US border ... no contest.
- You can go out on Friday knowing that anybody who is out, partner free, is most likely to be single. I often hear singles complain about Valentine’s being a bad night to go out as everywhere is full of couples. Utter nonsense! VD is the one day a person can go out safe in the knowledge that if a man/woman is at the bar they are either single or in a really shit relationship that is likely to finish at any moment. Dive in, February 14th is the biggest single’s night of the year! ... if you know where to look and avoid Pizza Express.
- You can use February 14th as a most excellent point of reference to remind yourself of relationships past. Times, in the, not so distant past, that you shared with a loved one, (or, as it turns out, not such a loved one given that you are getting pissed and masturbating alone this year. Which is NOT a bad thing.) Use this time to think about the pricks you have dated in the past, and yes, dear readers, I speak from personal experience. The arseholes whom, regardless of being in a relationship with you, did fuck all for you on Valentine’s Day anyway. The knob jockeys who where, as you have thankfully realised, no good for you then and no good for you now. Wankers, pricks, arseholes, fuckheads, twats, morons, dickheads. Ah, say it loud sista! Now isn’t that more fun than a ‘VIP’ seat at the Odeon?
- THESE are the reason to celebrate being single on VD. You are free, you made your choices and you stuck with them! And that should be saluted. There will be many more VD's, with more cheap roses, more bad meals and more tacky cards. Of which, I’ve every faith, you will ‘enjoy’ many. But for this year, you're single, your fabulous and you have a most excellent bottle of Premier Cru and some extra long life batteries on your shopping list.