Last week, as I was perusing a daily newspaper, I came across an article. It was an interview with 4 reasonably attractive women, titled ‘Why I will never let my husband see me naked.’ The article ranged from one women discussing the weight she had put on since having a baby and how she felt ‘ashamed and embarrassed’ standing naked in front of her husband to another more extreme example of a lady having never let her husband see her naked in 20 years.
Now, make no mistake, we all have our fat days, God only knows, after 6 weeks of having wine literally on an intravenous drip straight to my liver and eating my own body weight in various un-waistline friendly food groups, I'm not over zealous about running down the high street naked, but 20 years! Dear God, what is wrong these some people.
You see, here’s the thing. When you don’t have the confidence to stand naked in front of your (allegedly in love with you and non-judgmental) husband you need to do one of three things.
- Change your diet.
- Change your therapist.
- Change your husband.
I have very little sympathy for people who moan about being fat and do nothing about it. You want to shift some weight? Step away from the cake and go for a run, simples.
Ironically, your husband will probably barely recognize the weight regardless, given that, when standing naked in front of a man, the thing he is most focused on is your vagina and how quickly he can insert his penis into it. The difference to a little weight lose will be most directly related to your confidence than your thighs, meaning that, though your husband will hardly recognize half an inch off your waist, you will feel stronger, sexier and more in control, put simply, you will love and fancy yourself more .... one way ticket to sex siren with the lights on, my friend.
Should you not find it in you to sign up to the local Fitness First or, indeed, invest in a new therapist/life coach/self confidence guru who will teach you how to recognize that you are fucking hot with or without that extra half a stone, then may I refer back to point three.
Get rid of the husband.
A husband, who doesn’t beg to see your gorgeous body in all its Rubenesque glory be it after 2 months after 20 years, really is not worth one hanging on to. My guess is, not only is he making you feel significantly less beautiful than you should do by entertaining the ridiculous notion that you will only ever let him see you fully clothes with the lights off, but that he is shit in bed too. I would no sooner suggest the lights were turned off during love making than I would wear flannel pajamas. Eye contact during a blow job people?? YES ... now we’re talking!
And trust me when you're bent over the kitchen table in broad daylight wearing nothing but Chanel no.5 and begging for an orgasm, the fact that you never quite lost your mum tum will be the LAST thing your husband is thinking about.
Do you think Nigella cares about being a size 16?? No! Do you think Christina Hendrix would ever dream of insisting on lights off? Never! Or that the curvy goddess herself, Marilyn Monroe thought of herself as anything less than a total sex kitten? Absolutely not!
So come on ladies, lets get it together in 2014, you’re not Kate Moss, but who gives a shit, being sexy is believing your sexy. So turn that light on, rip those clothes off and get working on the eye contact.
Believe me, kitchen table sex at midday is far more fun than Weight Watchers.