Monday, 27 January 2014

Fussy Fuckers.

So, last week I was asked on a date. He was an attractive chap, not my normal type in that he was nice, or at least as nice as a man you don’t know can be. Saying that, a few weeks ago, I thought that a policeman, i.e. an upstanding member of our community, was nice until he sent me pictures of his truncheon and told me what he’d like to do with it, but I digress. That little gem, I’ll save for another day. 

So, as we were, I went on a date last night with a 'nice' man. We met at a local bar and, to his credit, he drove from the other side of London to see me, (which always earns someone a few brownie points in my book). He was well dressed, tick, and text me before I arrived, asking what I’d like to drink. Double tick. 

So far, so good. For a highly critical and hugely cynical dating pro like myself, the above points put me at ease and bode well in encouraging me to think he might be a chap I would enjoy spending time with. 

We chatted for a while, the usual boring small talk regarding place of present domicile, jobs, holidays, and of course, previous relationships. 

Now, as a rule of thumb, we are told, by various self help/dating coach books, and the like,  not to talk about past relationships on a date, that discussing your ex will have your date running for the hills. Utter nonsense, I like nothing more than a good dig around my date's baggage, if, for no other reason, than that it will save me a vast amount of time, in the long run, when a man discloses the reason his past relationships didn’t work. 
“I cheated so she dumped me” ... "she said I was too nice so she dumped me" ... "I asked to call her Mummy and wear nappies and she dumped me.” These are all things, I think you’ll agree, one would rather know on date 1 than date 32. 

So we talked about relationships briefly, and what we were looking for in a new partner. Me? Oh, honesty, kindness and sincerity of course! ... (a bottle of wine and a good fuck.)  
And then he came out with this beauty. 

“As a rule I don’t date fat girls or women with children, but you have an amazing body and, actually, I'm cool with you having a kid.”


Is that a fact? 

Shucks, thank you. 

This, my friends, is NOT a compliment. This is, actually, another, more interesting way, of saying I am a complete wanker and it is no wonder I am alone and childless at 47. 

Interestingly and luckily for him, as a 'rule' I don’t date people who say they don’t date fat girls and women with children, and he probably doesn’t date women that say they don’t date men that say they don’t date fat girls and women with children. 

And so the happy, single cycle continues. 

Most perfectly of all, perhaps, he admitted to being lonely. To having had 25 Tinder dates in the last 3 months, and being desperate to have kids in the near future. 

You couldn’t make it up. 

Read this, single 47 year old men. OPEN YOUR MINDS. 

There are beautiful women everywhere. Some have kids (the horror!) And some are carrying a few pounds (the shock!) Some might have sold their bodies to get through university, tried crystal meth at the Burning Man festival or accidentally slept with their first cousin when they were 14. Who gives a shit! You're single and nearly 50 ffs, enough of the judging and the rules. 

It’s not going to be a dating site that gets you a girlfriend, it's going to be getting off that high horse and removing that stick from your ass. 

Oh, and you text this morning saying you wanted to see me again? Hmm... I’m sorry, I'm too busy eating cake with my daughter. 

Better get back to Tinder. 


  1. What a knob, excuse my language there. Looks like you got out of there before it was too late!!
    I don't see why men think they can say things like that to us. Annoying!!


    1. language totally fine and excused! yes a knob indeed ... and they wonder why they're single!!?

    2. Dunno if my last comment got through. Great entertaining and article as ever. I just wanted to know what a "Tinder" date is. Is that a website or simply a new-fangled expression for a first date that acts as tinder does on a fire?
      Greetings and best wishes from sunny Switzerland.

    3. thank you glad you enjoyed it! Tinder is a very popular dating app on iPhone, basically connects you with people without all the crap of filling in profiles on dating sites! its dreadful, never again lol

  2. The guy sounded like a complete knob and not very bright. In hindsight I bet he wished he had simply said he was looking for a nice bottle of wine and a good fuck!! :)