I have noticed a considerable amount of debate recently on various social networking sites. People complaining openly about the excessive amount of ‘baby/children/kid’ photos people are posting. As a result, the nation, or at least those with time on their hands for excessive photo posting, are divided into two camps. Those who post endless pictures of newborns and Christenings and those that post endless pictures of themselves half naked in the bathroom mirror, plotted up in the VIP section of various central London clubs or stretched over a sun lounger in St Tropez/Marbella/Ibiza with another cold glass of rose in hand.
Now, it should be noted, that being both a proud mother, and a borderline functioning alcoholic with an involuntary pull towards all things that involve late nights and morning regret and self loathing, I enjoy both baby pictures and wild night snaps in equal measure. (Well, perhaps the wild nights a little more, or a lot more ... Oh, to hell with it, give me a friend from school pissed out of her head snogging a Spanish bar man to a picture of a new born on his first park outing any day of the week.)
However I do, of course, hold an opinion on the subject and my recommendation would be for people to hold back on the moaning and to simply delete the offending persons from their social sites, thus preventing exposure to a timeline which they consider offending or distasteful.
This subject however did lead me to consider the bigger social picture. Are we all one or the other or is it possible to be both?
It is my opinion that it isn’t mothers per say who give the group a bad name but a few offending culprits who create a state of unrest and disharmony on these sites and in life generally. The Alpha mothers. The living, breathing, can-talk-about-fuck-all-else mother superiors.
Apparently people change when they have children. Damn right, they bloody do.
You try going to baby gym everyday, listening to Pepper Pig on loop and spend your weekends pushing a swing in the freezing cold with a 3 year old screaming More! More! More! More! in your earhole for 2 and a half hours and tell me you haven’t lost at least a fraction of your sanity. I get that, Christ knows I've been there, 5 years of Cbeebies it's a bloody wonder I've not been sectioned under the mental health act and locked up in a padded cell for 18 months for my own protection.
However, there is something you are not told before you have children. That there's is a species of women living amongst us that not only love knocking out a new kid every year but delights in nothing more than spending every waking moment talking about them.
Now, make no mistake, I like seeing my child's face light up in the ball pit of the soft play area as much as the next person, but for fuck's sake, shut up with the breastfeeding chat. I could give a rat's ass when you’re weening your kid of your tit or how long it's taken you to prepare/make/ freeze your organic baby food!! and you want to know what I'm really thinking while you talk about social development new birthing methods? I'm wondering why fuck they don’t serve wine in these places!!?
You see, it’s not parents, per say, who divide the pre-children from the post children or, more simply put, the living from the dead, it’s the few alpha mothers who seem hell bent on beating down the rest of us with endless children chit chat.
What are you a woman or a cow, put your tit away and talk about where your next glass of wine is coming from like the rest of us!
And when it comes to social networking, be aware of something. One photo of a child in their new school uniform? It's OK, we’re cool. But, for Christ's sake, mix it up a bit. You’re not annoying because you’re a mother, you’re annoying because you've got bugger all else to talk about! Now stop giving us a bad name and go and have a stiff gin half an hour before you pick the kids up from school ... see, isn’t that more fun than homemade muffins.