I was reading an article recently on getting over a break up. Interestingly, the article in question, was aimed at women. Suggesting to me that men find it far easier to move on after a relationship breaks down. My thoughts are that beer and inserting their penis into something other than you has a lot to do with this, and that the temporary novelty of not having a ‘girlfriend’ moaning into their ear at every available opportunity also helps.
The article in question set about recommending ways in which one could help oneself to get over an ex. It proposed chats with girlfriends, lavender oil infused baths, manicures and long walks as ways to help heal a broken heart.
I’m not so sure.
You see, here’s the thing. In a situation where one might find oneself ‘dumped’ the chances are you are unlikely to be of sane enough mind to enter Boots without collapsing in a crumpled heap in the electrics aisle, much less, select a suitable aromatherapy treatment. You will feel rage, you will feel fury, you will feel a burning resentment and bitterness for each and every man walking the planet. You will not feel like a walk on Hampstead Heath or sitting still long enough to have your cuticles trimmed by a Vietnamese ‘beautician’.
Despite my scepticism I do believe there are a number of ways in which to help heal the wounds of a break up. They won’t rid you of your bitterness and rage, but hey, in small doses, who says ingrained hatred and loathing for the opposite sex is a bad thing, hell, I've lived with it for the last 20 years and it works for me.
As we were. Ways in which to get over your ex include the following -
Get drunk. You will find Sauvignon Blanc to be the most loyal of friends and companions when newly alone. Mercifully, a good bottle of dry white will not try to rationalise your hatred towards your ex, tell you everything will be alright in the end and that there are plenty more fish in the sea but it will totally numb your temporary sadness, remind you that there is much fun to be had in the gutter and, God willing, see you in bed with a totally inappropriate waiter you picked up in a West End bar on a gap year from Australia.
Which leads me to my second point. Meaningless sex with total strangers. Regardless of your age, after being jilted one should spend as much time as possible seeking out inappropriate sex. The age, geographical location, intellectual compatibility and financial/social situation of your prey is of no matter. What is important is the speed and ease in which the volunteer is willing to bend you over. To simplify, fucking the life out of someone else will not necessarily encourage new relationships or make you feel fantastic about yourself in the morning, it will however give you something else to think about and, whereas before you would spend your time obsessing about your ex’s new girlfriend, you can now spend your time obsessing about whether it is illegal for a woman in her late 30’s to have sexual relations with a 19 year old from New Zealand who still has a skate board. Distraction my friends, it’s all about distraction.
Look after yourself. By all means have a manicure, in fact do have a manicure. Speed diet, have sun-beds, re-mortgage your house in order to totally restyle your wardrobe, buy Louboutins and wear them to work, wear bright red lipstick, get a boob job, have Botox. In other words, do whatever is necessary to re shape you into the goddess that you really are. And do it for you not in the hope that one day you might bump into your ex in the street and he might want you back. (Of course, one can always hope this situation might arise ... at which point you will laugh in the face of your small penis-ed past and walk on by flashing your bright red sole on the way.)
Book holidays. In places where there is plenty of alcohol, sun and available men to have sex with. Do not go to a yoga retreat on a mountain in Croatia. Green tea and the downward dog will help your core not your heart. Let’s focus here, people.
Spend time with your friends. Girlfriends are, without question, the most valuable thing in your life, and, if they are good ones, not only will they accompany you on holiday, encourage you to have sex with totally inappropriate strangers, get paralytic on tequila and spend ridiculous amounts of money on footwear you can’t walk in, they will also give up hours of their time to listen to you bitching about your ex-boyfriend ...
Bitch about your ex-boyfriend. In the previously referred to list of things to do to get over an ex, the author suggested ‘moving on’ as a successful healing method. Utter rubbish, I would suggest to you that, actually, the slagging off of your ex-boyfriend should be top of your priorities in the immediate aftermath of being dumped. By which, I do not mean announcing to the world your hatred on Facebook (dignity ladies, please.) but I do mean, that reminding yourself of all his weaknesses as often as possible to appropriate audiences can be amazingly beneficial.
Why not start a blog or an instagram account called my ex-boyfriend has a tiny penis? You'll be amazed at how many followers you’ll get.
Do not stalk him. be it virtually or otherwise. Checking his online account may feel therapeutic at the time but really means you are just wasting valuable amounts of time staring at a screen which could be spent doing other things that will genuinely help (see above). Similarly driving up and down his road on the other side of London in the hope of bumping into him will not make him go ‘Jeez, fancy seeing you here, what a coincidence, I've changed my mind I think we should get engaged’ it will however, make him call the local mental health hospital in order to have you sectioned.
Do remind yourself of his weaknesses. Annoyingly, I fear, we, as women, have a tendency to fall rather in love with what we think we want as apposed to what we actually have. Meaning that, the man you are dating/have been dumped by, is not actually the man you thought he was. News flash; He wasn’t as good as you thought he was and by the very fact that you are not together anymore, not the man you should be with either. The only man worthy of your re-mortgaged, drunkard greatness is one that fully appreciates you and wouldn’t dream of leaving you for Dawn in HR.
And finally. Find your knickers, sober up, hold your head high and move on. Let go of the rage and the anger, fun though it is at the time it will make you ugly, a look not conducive to being single and fabulous.
Focus on the future and the world you now have at your feet. And if that doesn’t work, photocopy a picture of his tiny penis and have it printed onto beer mats to distribute liberally at his local pub.
Revenge will not help you be a better person, but, my God, does it feel good at the time.